Reflection 64: I Don’t Feel Like Myself Anymore

Right now, I am at the heaviest weight I have ever been in my life.

And if I’m being honest… I don’t feel good.

I don’t feel attractive.
I don’t feel healthy.
I don’t feel pretty.
I don’t feel confident.
I don’t even feel comfortable in my own body.

And that’s a hard place to sit in.

Now, I know all the things we’re supposed to say. I know the Lord loves me. I know my worth isn’t defined by how I look.

But that doesn’t mean I feel okay in this moment.

Physically, I’m uncomfortable. Mentally, it’s been a struggle. And I think it’s important to say that out loud—because I know I’m not the only one who has ever felt this way.

You are not alone in this.

You are not less than because you don’t look the way you think you should.

For me, this didn’t just happen overnight. After having G, I dealt with some health issues that made it hard to move, hard to take care of myself, and hard to even think about making changes.

But now, I’m finally in a place where I can start doing more.

So I am.

And let me tell you—it has been humbling.

Last night, I did a 15-minute kids workout video with the kids. And I’m not joking… it kicked my butt. I was dripping sweat by the end of it.

Fifteen minutes.

Something that used to feel so simple felt incredibly hard.

And that hit me mentally.

It’s hard to realize that your body isn’t where it used to be. It’s hard to feel like you’re struggling with something that should feel easy.

But this is where I am.

And instead of staying stuck in that, I’m choosing to move forward—slowly.

We’ve also been working on what we prioritize in our home when it comes to food. More protein. More vegetables. Being more intentional.

That doesn’t mean carbs are “bad.” We’re still eating them. It just means we’re trying to be more mindful about what we’re putting into our bodies.

Because this isn’t about perfection.

It’s about progress.

It’s about taking care of ourselves—physically, mentally, and spiritually.

And if I’m being honest, I think sometimes we talk a lot about mental health (which matters so much), but we forget that our physical health matters too.

We spend hours sitting—on our phones, watching TV, doing all the things—and sometimes we forget that even small movement matters.

A 15-minute workout.
A walk around the neighborhood.
Choosing one better meal.

Those things add up.

And I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately—

If I truly believe that I am made in God’s image… if I truly believe that I am a reflection of Him…

Then how am I taking care of what He’s given me?

Would I feed the Lord the way I’ve been feeding myself?
Would I treat His body the way I’ve been treating mine?

That question hit me hard.

Because this body—my body—is not something to hate. It’s something I’ve been entrusted with.

And I want to take better care of it.

Not out of shame.
Not out of punishment.
But out of love.

And I know it’s not always easy.

I know what it feels like to want to shut down, to curl up, to do nothing—especially when depression creeps in and everything feels heavy.

But we are capable of doing hard things.

And we don’t have to do them alone.

We can do them with Him.

One step at a time.